


Transience

by Lunar_Pull



Series: Into The Darkness [4]
Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-23
Updated: 2015-05-23
Packaged: 2018-03-31 21:35:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3993661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lunar_Pull/pseuds/Lunar_Pull
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All the things that Seunghyun doesn't say. And what he does.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Transience

It’s the crying at night.

 

That’s what breaks Seunghyun’s resolve.

 

He’s been home for three days and Seungri and Daesung have been mostly quiet about Jiyong’s absence. They are letting Seunghyun take his time, have a rest. They can see it in his eyes. He doesn’t want to talk about it.

 

He doesn’t even want to _think_ about it. He doesn’t want to think about the last time he saw Jiyong, how they locked eyes for a moment and they both knew it was probably for the last time.

 

Goddamnit.

 

Seunghyun sighs loudly and turns in the couch he’s been banished to because Youngbae needs as much space as he can get and Seungri’s the only one small enough to fit.

 

Daesung looks up from the book he’s studying. He’s been stuck on the same page for about fifteen minutes because Seungri isn’t there to help him with the difficult words. Daesung’s eyebrows are furrowed and a curled piece of auburn hair falls in his eyes. Seunghyun smiles at the way Daesung’s lips purse as he blows the lock of hair away from his eyes.

 

“Need some help?”

 

Daesung eyebrows quirk but he smiles and nods, inviting Seunghyun closer without saying a word. When Seunghyun joins Daesung on the floor of the living room, he doesn’t wrap the other man in his arms, like he’d probably do with Seungri. They sit side by side, shoulder to shoulder, and Seunghyun feels a little flustered even though he’s let Daesung fuck him at least six times by now.

 

He should be over this. Over the hammering in his ribcage when Daesung huffs a breath and points at the word he’s having trouble figuring out.

 

“Transience,” Seunghyun reads, and he can see his own breath blowing the hair on Daesung’s face. They are so close.

 

“Transience,” Daesung’s husky voice repeats, his pronunciation impeccable. He’s an expert at imitation. “What does it mean?”

 

“It’s like 'impermanent.' Like nothing ever lasts.”

 

Seunghyun thinks of Jiyong and how he’s not here to scoff at him and roll his eyes. Shoot him a deadly glare that would do nothing more than excite him.

 

 _You’re so full of yourself_ , he’d say, with his arm probably slung around Youngbae’s shoulders. Seungri would probably laugh and plant a kiss on Seunghyun’s face as Daesung would try to hide his giggles. Youngbae would catch his eye from across the room. Give him a sweet smile or a saucy wink, depending on his mood.

 

And it would all be perfect.

 

Jiyong should be here.

 

Seunghyun should be here.

 

He should be feeling the familiar heady sensation of turning Daesung on, he should be stroking his face until the smaller man tilts his head up to connect their lips. Seunghyun should be in _this_ moment - how he always likes to live his life - instead of in a fantasy where Youngbae never got hurt and Seunghyun never failed them all.

 

If it was just him, Seunghyun would do what he does best: ignore his heart. He’d wash his hands of this whole mess, find a new partner and he’d be right back on the top of Dogville’s food chain. It wouldn’t even be hard. There would probably be moments - little flashes of sudden hurt that threaten to swallow him whole. But he’d manage. He always has.

 

But it’s not just Seunghyun. Not anymore. There is a boy he promised to protect. There is a man that wants to be by his side. There is a friend that he left behind. There is a lover that blows his mind every day, in the small, inconsequential and infinite instances that make life worth living. Like when he smiles and the sunshine streams in through the window, lighting up his scar, and he’s so beautiful and fragile and Seunghyun forgets that everything about this is transient.

 

“Seunghyun,” Seungri’s voice is soft as he stands in the doorway to the living room, arms crossed, hair mussed from sleep, sadness in his eyes.

 

“Is he crying again?” Daesung asks, already shifting to stand up.

 

Seungri nods gravely. “I don’t know what to tell him, Seunghyun. I can’t lie to him.”

 

Seunghyun knows. Seungri can do a lot of immoral (depending on who you ask) things but he’s got a soft spot the size of Jupiter for Jiyong’s little prince and Seunghyun can’t blame him. They all have it.

 

So when Seunghyun walks into the darkened bedroom, he steels himself for womanly weeping. He’s spent years holding his mother in his arms before her untimely passing so he’s had enough practice.

 

But Youngbae isn’t crying. There are tears in his bloodshot eyes, but his sobs have subsided. His back is flush against the headboard and his chest inflates and deflates slowly.

 

“Where is he?” Youngbae asks, voice wrecked and raw.

 

Seunghyun smiles what he knows is a fake and tight smile but it’s better than nothing. “Are you feeling okay? Do you need more of the painkillers?”

 

“No,” Seungri chimes in, firmly. “He’s had enough of those.”

 

Youngbae rubs at his eyes and tries again. “Just tell me that he’s dead. Please, Seunghyun, just tell me.”

 

“Pretty boy - ”

 

“Don’t ‘pretty boy’ me,” Youngbae snaps and his eyes burn into Seunghyun. “I just want to know. I _need_ to know. I can feel him, sometimes, when I’m almost asleep and I need to know if it’s real.”

 

Seunghyun takes a seat close to Youngbae on the bed. What he really wants to do is run away from this horrible conversation but he can’t. He owes Youngbae the truth. Owes them all that.

 

“It’s probably just the painkillers,” Seungri says when he notices Seunghyun is struggling to speak and god, Seunghyun wants to kiss him for knowing him so well. “I told you, you need to wean yourself off of them. You’re using them too much.”

 

Youngbae doesn’t look at Seungri. His eyes are still intensely trained on Seunghyun. “Seunghyun, please. I am _begging_ you. Where is he?”

 

Youngbae’s eyes begin to water again as his chest rises and falls rapidly and suddenly the tears are streaming down his face and Seunghyun can’t pretend he’s not moved by him. By his beauty. By his devotion. By his broken heart.

 

“I don’t know if Jiyong is dead,” Seunghyun finally admits.

 

There is a collective breath drawn behind him - Seungri and Daesung are probably holding hands but Seunghyun doesn’t want to turn around and make sure because Youngbae is smiling through the tears, like he’s got hope.

 

Seunghyun wants to tell them that it’s not a good thing.

 

He doesn’t.

 

* * *

 

It happened like this.

 

Seunghyun drove the dark van and Jiyong rode in the back with Youngbae’s broken body in his arms. He could hear the lovers murmuring to each other, whispering assurances and loving words. Seunghyun stopped hearing Youngbae’s voice at around seven in the morning. Jiyong screamed at him to drive faster so he floored it.

 

Seunghyun had never snuck into the City in the daylight and his inexperience got them caught. The officers handcuffed Jiyong in an instant because the Dogville in him has always been unmistakable.

 

“Just take him to a hospital! Please!” Jiyong shouted, struggling with the handcuffs and the policemen. Youngbae’s body was just a crumpled pile in the back of the van, barely moving. Barely breathing.

 

Seunghyun was handcuffed, too, and his mind was running a million miles a minute. Charming his way out of this would be impossible. He needed to think of something else. And fast.

 

An officer scoffed. “Dogs don’t get to go to the hospital.”

 

And there it was.

 

“He’s not from Dogville. He’s from the City,” Seunghyun had said and he had locked eyes with Jiyong.

 

Jiyong’s eyes widened. “That’s true!” He agreed. “He’s from here. Check his back pocket.”

 

Youngbae’s City Identification Card had been in his back pocket and Seunghyun knew then that Jiyong had always known they weren’t going to make it. At least not all of them. He’d made sure the one person that needed to did.

 

“This young man has been missing for a year. What are you two fucking dogs doing with him?”

 

“He’s from the City, too,” Jiyong hissed, pointing at Seunghyun with his chin. 

 

Seunghyun had inexplicably wanted to laugh. He could lie and cheat his way into the City under the cover of night but in the harsh sunlight, there would be no mistaking him. The cheap fabric of his suits would be obvious and his accent would seem just a little too practiced, a little too perfect. They’d see the holes in his socks. They’d know. But he loved the hell out of Jiyong for trying.

 

The officers patted Seunghyun down with just a little more respect than they had when they knocked him on his ass and put him in cuffs, just in case he really was a Citizen. They pulled an Identification Card out of his front pocket and Seunghyun frowned in confusion.

 

 _Lee Seunghyun_ , it read and Seunghyun felt like the breath had been knocked out of his lungs when he saw the faded photograph of a face he’d recognize anywhere.

 

“Senator Lee’s son? Fucking hell, get him out of those restraints immediately!” The lead officer nearly swallowed his tongue.

 

Seunghyun looked at Jiyong then, for the last time, and he knew that the assassin was making the ultimate sacrifice.

 

“You take care of him. You make sure he fucking makes it, Seunghyun,” Jiyong begged a lot like Youngbae would later beg to know what had happened to his love.

 

“I will,” Seunghyun said, because it was the only thing left to say. “I promise.”

 

And the rest was a blur. They dragged Jiyong to the back of a squad car and Seunghyun and Youngbae were placed in an ambulance.

 

When Seunghyun recounts the events to Daesung and Seungri, he leaves out some things.

 

He leaves out the overwhelming fear and desperation he had felt at the thought of losing Youngbae after they’d gotten so close to saving him. He leaves out the deep guilt he felt when he didn’t speak up for Jiyong because he didn’t know what to say. He doesn’t tell them that protecting Youngbae was the first promise he’d ever made to anyone.

 

He doesn’t tell them that he knows that Seungri is from the City. Seungri has never told him about that for a reason, and Seunghyun, now more than ever, understands.

 

He doesn’t tell them that Jiyong is in the prison. But they know.

 

And they all understand that it’s a fate worse than death.

 

* * *

 

Two nights later, Seunghyun awakes to the distinctive sound of kissing.

 

He’s shirtless, Daesung’s arm is slung over his waist as they lay like spoons and Seunghyun smiles. Maybe it will be a good day.

 

The sighing comes from Seungri. Breathy and light, because he really means it.

 

When Seunghyun opens his eyes, Seungri is on top of Youngbae, kissing him gently, softly. Unlike his usual playful self. Youngbae barely responds. His arms are still down by his side and his eyes are closed. Neither boy notices that Seunghyun is awake.

 

“I can feel you pulling away from us,” Seungri says, when he gives up on the kissing.

 

“I don’t want to have sex right now,” Youngbae’s voice is devoid of emotion and it scares Seunghyun.

 

“You know that’s not what I mean,” Seungri murmurs. He leans down again and kisses Youngbae despite everything. Youngbae responds, just a little.

 

“I want you to know something,” Seungri whispers, his face close to Youngbae’s, foreheads touching. “If I could take this pain away from you, I would. I’d do anything for you, if it would just make you happy.”

 

Youngbae’s hand reaches up to stroke against Seungri’s scar. “I know.”

 

Seunghyun considers closing his eyes again and leaving the boys to their moment, but he’s never seen Seungri like this. He’s never seen him be this soft and doting, not demanding to fuck or be fucked, merely relishing the closeness of another’s body and trying so damn hard to express the truth of his heart. Seunghyun’s never heard such tender, sweet words spill from the younger boy’s lips and for one second, he swears the pang in his icy heart is jealousy.

 

But then something else blossoms in Seunghyun’s chest - a kind of affection he’s still growing used to. He realizes that he adores seeing his youngest lover like this, warm-hearted and unashamed of his gentleness. Unguarded. It’s a glimpse of the multi-faceted young man that Seunghyun’s never seen and there’s a part of him that wants to get on his knees and thank Youngbae for being precious enough to bring that side of Seungri into the light.

 

“I love you, Youngbae,” Seungri whispers unabashedly and Seunghyun’s breath hitches as how perfect the words sound when he says them. “So much. I was so terrified that I’d never see you again.”

 

Youngbae’s eyes darken. “I should have died that night. Then Jiyong would still be here.”

 

Seungri frowns and kisses the seriousness from Youngbae’s mouth. Drinks it in and swallows it down. “If you weren’t here, everything in this godforsaken world would be so much darker.”

 

Youngbae turns his face towards the wall, away from Seungri’s face and Seunghyun’s prying eyes. “Seems pretty dark, still,” he barely whispers.

 

“That’s because you don’t know what the world was like before you.”

 

Seungri’s words earn a little huff of laughter from Youngbae and Seunghyun marvels at it because he hasn’t heard the sound in so long. Youngbae turns his face back to Seungri. Kisses him this time.

 

“I know it must hurt like hell, and I know I’ll never take Jiyong’s place in your heart. But there’s three of us left and we’re going to take such good care of you. We’re going to love you as hard as we can. So please, angel, don’t be so sad. It’ll get easier.”

 

“Okay,” Youngbae says, but the words come out plastic fake because he doesn’t believe Seungri. Seunghyun doesn’t blame him.

 

Youngbae gently pushes Seungri away and turns his back to his bedmates. Seungri sighs, and when his eyes lock onto Seunghyun’s open ones, he doesn’t smile.

 

 

* * *

 

 

When Seungri and Daesung start arguing, Seunghyun finally decides that enough is enough.

 

“You can’t keep giving him those damn pills,” Seungri slams the half-used bottle on the counter and faces Daesung down like a man twice his age and size.

 

“Don’t be like that that, Seungri,” Daesung says, his eyebrows drawn into a tight frown. “He’s in pain.”

 

“He’s heartbroken. It’s not the same.”

 

“I can’t stand to hear him crying anymore,” Daesung argues. “It’s all he does. He just sits there and cries and I can’t handle it.”

 

“So you think getting him addicted to pain meds is going to fix it? What the fuck do you think is going to happen when the bottle’s gone? You ever seen a fucking pharmacy around here?”

 

“A what?” Daesung’s anger is momentarily replaced by confusion.

 

Seungri rolls his eyes. “Nothing, forget it. Just stop treating him like a doll. He’s stronger than you give him credit for and he needs to handle it. We can be there for him but we can’t just make it go away with magic pills. Besides, have you seen him when he’s on these?”

 

Daesung shakes his head and both men suddenly turn to Seunghyun, as if he’s just materialized in the room.

 

“Follow me,” Seungri says, his voice grave.

 

When they enter the darkened bedroom, Youngbae is lying so still that for a moment Seunghyun’s heart lurches - jumping to the worst conclusion. Then he notices that there are small puffs of breath coming out of Youngbae’s slackened mouth. His eyes are wide open but unfocused. He stares off into the distance as a string of drool falls from his opened lips.

 

Daesung sucks in a sharp breath and Seungri sighs as he crossed the room to sit by Youngbae. He gently wipes the smaller man’s face with a small cloth as his eyes shimmer with the tears that he’s struggling to hold back.

 

“Angel,” Seungri’s voice is soft and tender as he holds Youngbae’s face delicately. Seunghyun’s heart shatters like glass and illusion. “Can you hear me?”

 

Youngbae’s eyes slowly focus on Seungri’s face and the corner of his mouth lift a bit, like he’s attempting to smile.

 

“I’m here, okay?” Seungri says. “Please don’t drift away.”

 

Youngbae’s eyes lose focus again and Seunghyun doesn’t want to watch this anymore. Daesung whispers, “I didn’t know,” before rushing out of the room, out of the apartment. Seunghyun considers running after him but then Seungri speaks again.

 

“I’m scared,” he says, voice loud enough for Seunghyun to hear from across the room. “I’m scared that one of these days he’s going to float so far away from us that he’s not going to come back. He’s just going to be a shell forever.”

 

Seunghyun thinks that maybe there are worse fates than the prison.

 

“I can’t lose him, Seunghyun,” Seungri’s voice wavers. “Not like this.”

 

And to this day, Seunghyun doesn’t know what comes over him. He’s never been a gallant knight and he’s certainly never been called anyone’s savior or hero. Up to this point in his life, Seunghyun has just wanted a good fuck and dirty, easy cash. But a beautiful boy once sized him up and stared him down and now all Seunghyun wants is to make sure that boy always has a reason to be happy.

 

 _His_ boy.

 

The boy he loves, even if he can’t quite say the words.

 

The boy that loves him.

 

Seungri holds Youngbae in his hands and they are both so broken by the same loss. It kills Seunghyun to see them like this. It kills him to see Seungri like this; holding Youngbae's fragile mind together and trying to be so strong. Trying to be the shelter from the storm, like he alone can keep the smaller man safe from harm and loneliness. Taking on the weight of the world on his too-young shoulders, whispering harshly against Youngbae’s faded skin.

 

“Stay with me, angel, please,” he begs softly and Seunghyun begins to understand that what Seungri feels for Youngbae is deeper and more desperate than he had once imagined. He’s more than Seungri’s favorite toy and what’s happening to him is more than being broken. 

 

Youngbae is Seungri’s saving grace and he is slowly rotting away.

 

Seunghyun needs to act. And for the first time, in a long time, he doesn’t have Jiyong to snap him out of his indecision.

 

So he decides on his own.

 

He walks up to the pair and runs his hand through Youngbae’s hair. He notes how the blonde dye has faded to a light brown and how it’s too long to stand up in a mohawk. It falls sloppily around his face. Boy, how the time has flown them all by. This is no life, though. Not the one Jiyong would have wanted for his prince. Seunghyun’s prince now, too.

 

“Pretty boy,” Seunghyun is pleased that Youngbae’s eyes snap to him. He’s not truly lost yet. “Does it hurt?”

 

Youngbae shuts his eyes tight and takes a long, deep breath. “So much,” he whispers.

 

Seunghyun thinks about his life before Seungri and he understands.

 

“Alright,” he says, before kissing Seungri deeply and leaving the room to begin his planning.

 

He’s not going back to the City unprepared.

 

 

* * *

 

 

"You don't smoke anymore," Daesung says, backpack swung over one shoulder, breaking the silence of the past hour.

 

Seunghyun frowns as shoves his hands in his pockets to hide the shaking of his hands. "Without Jiyong, I can't make enough to feed you all _and_ smoke. Nicotine is fucking expensive."

 

Daesung snorts, because he can see through Seunghyun's bullshit better than any of them. 

 

"Seungri and I work. We can make enough for rent and groceries on our own," Daesung reasons and Seunghyun glances at the smug little smile on his face and rolls his eyes in response.

 

"What do you think the reason is, then?” Seunghyun asks, a hint of annoyance in his voice to make the moment less serious. “You obviously have an opinion."

 

It’s a long way back to the City and Seunghyun and Daesung have decided that going on foot is preferable since the goal is to avoid detection. It will take a day’s journey and Seunghyun thought that bringing the other man would result in comfortable silence. He was wrong. Clearly.

 

Daesung grins. "I think you want to stick around."

 

Seunghyun smiles back, despite the grim and dangerous journey they are embarking on. Despite the fact that someone being able to see right through him should inspire anger, or at the very least, fear. "Yeah," Seunghyun says. "Maybe."

 

Daesung bursts into beautiful laughter and Seunghyun's stomach flutters. The younger man has made so much progress.

 

"Oh, please," Daesung teases. "You adore us. All of us. And I know just the thought of being without Seungri is unbearable."

 

"How would you know?" Seunghyun asks, but his voice is light as he reaches out to grab Daesung's hand.

 

The younger man smiles and interlocks their fingers. "Because I feel that way about him, too."

 

And Seunghyun sucks in a deep breath, because this kind of shared affection should be impossible - especially in the hell that is Dogville. Seunghyun was supposed to be alone and most importantly, numb. Instead, he met Kwon Jiyong at the wrong time and the wrong place and he fell for the killer’s devotion to an unattainable boy. Then, he followed Jiyong’s steps towards a darkness from which he would never escape and met the most extraordinary young man. A bright soul, like the moonlight through wisps of clouds.

 

A mirror image. The person Seunghyun should have been.

 

And then Jiyong brought him an angel and that angel brought him a good, strong man and funny how life just works in mysterious ways because this whole thing should be a nightmare. But it’s a dream. And it started with Jiyong.

 

“You should tell him,” Daesung’s voice cuts through the silence that had settled.

 

“Tell who what?”

 

“Tell Seungri that you love him,” Daesung said, squeezing Seunghyun’s hand.

 

Seunghyun frowns. How could Seungri not know? How could any of them not know? There is a scar on Seunghyun's cheek, a testament to his emotion. What else could it possibly mean?

 

Daesung notices the confusion in Seunghyun’s demeanor. He stops their forward motion and cups Seunghyun’s face with calloused fingers. He leans up to kiss the older man slowly and deeply and when their lips part, he stays close.

 

“Lee Seunghyun loves words,” Daesung says and Seunghyun feels like the world’s biggest fool. "Most City boys do."

 

Seunghyun blanches. "He told you?"

 

"He didn't have to," Daesung says, tilting his head up to plant another peck on Seunghyun's lips and the older man can't decide if it's a gesture he picked up from Youngbae or Seungri. "He's just different, you know? He's too soft, under too much hardness."

 

Seunghyun nods, hands clasped together at the small of Daesung's back.

 

"Besides, he's too good to be from Dogville. Too much heart."

 

Seunghyun smiles and kisses Daesung, murmuring affirmations against his lips. When his eyes close, he sees Seungri's smile.

 

Daesung is right. Seungri has too much heart, because he's holding Seunghyun's, too.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Their contact from the City is a small, fierce and lovely girl and Daesung knows before Seunghyun introduces them that it’s Youngbae’s sister.

 

They look like twins. They are endowed with the same golden skin, sweet eyes and affinity for blonde hair dye and Chaerin’s eyes make Daesung as nervous as Youngbae’s.

 

Seunghyun smiles. Daesung _should_ be nervous.

 

The first time Seunghyun met Chaerin, he had been in the Intensive Care Unit of the City’s most advanced hospital. He’d been in the hospital room, trying not to fall apart because tubes and wires poked in and out of Youngbae’s mangled body like he was nothing but a paper doll and the doctors had just told Seunghyun that they didn’t know if the younger boy would ever breathe again without the help of a machine.

 

When the tiny blonde woman walked into the room, Seunghyun had thought her oddly familiar as she stood at the door, struggling to keep her breathing even and calm as she stared at the broken body on the large, white bed.

 

Suddenly, her eyes had flickered to Seunghyun and they burned.

 

“Are you Jiyong?” she had asked, her voice a higher pitch than Seunghyun would have guessed.

 

“No,” Seunghyun rumbled and the harsh slap he had received in response still rings in his ear, weeks later.

 

“Make sure you give him that the next time you see him,” the woman had said, flipping her hair and walking to the far side of the room to stand by Youngbae’s bed.

 

Seunghyun had felt a sharp tug deep in his chest, then - a strange mix of guilt and longing that hasn’t eased since the day they took Jiyong away. He had been close to muttering something about how he’d never see Jiyong again, but the woman had spoken and her voice was no longer commanding and intimidating. She had sounded like a little girl.

 

“Youngbae, it’s me, Chaerin,” she had said, thin fingers carding through Youngbae’s hair. “Why did you let this happen to you? You can’t be like this. You have to be strong.”

 

She had crawled into the bed, as if Seunghyun wasn’t even there, and the Dogville gangster had felt a different kind of guilt as he noticed how Youngbae’s body reacted so naturally to her presence. His hand found her waist and his head shifted so that she could lay her head in the crook of his neck. Her slender arm wrapped around his torso and they had looked so beautiful like that - like two fallen angels clinging to each other for life. Two halves of the same heart. They had looked like a home. 

 

Seunghyun had never once thought about what Youngbae had sacrificed to be with them in Dogville. And in that moment, Seunghyun had known that Youngbae’s heart was a different kind of strong and that his pain was of another sort. Seunghyun had never been forced to choose between two loves.

 

Chaerin had stayed with Youngbae all night, and the next night, too, only rising from the bed so that the doctors could look at him. Seunghyun stayed in the chair in the far side of the room, unsure if he was invited into their warmth.

 

Chaerin had healed Youngbae. With loving whispers and teasing smiles, Chaerin hands took care of her older brother for days on end. She spun delicate childhood memories and silly jokes out of thin air. Her voice guided him back from the edge.

 

It had been a miracle. Seunghyun had seen it with his own eyes. It was how he had learned that one can love without wanting to fuck or destroy. Sometimes, the most powerful love is not romantic, it doesn’t demand reciprocity or rely on the presence of the beloved. No, sometimes the truest love is the most humble. It simply wishes to be.

 

Chaerin loves her brother so much that she lets him go. Into the darkness.

 

“Baby girl,” Youngbae had rasped when he finally awoke, baffling all the doctors and hospital staff, but not Seunghyun and Chaerin. “I knew I heard your voice.”

 

“Of course, oppa,” Chaerin had grinned triumphantly. “You know I’m always with you.”

 

Youngbae had smiled. “I know.”

 

Youngbae had known. And now, so does Seunghyun.

 

 

* * *

 

 

When Daesung and Seunghyun make their way back from the City, their steps are slow and sluggish and an unbearable quietness surrounds them.

 

There is a chill in the wind, Seunghyun notices it absentmindedly as he tugs his coat tighter around himself. Daesung doesn’t reach out to hold his hand. Seunghyun doesn’t offer it.

 

Jiyong is dead.

 

Chaerin had the decency to tell them in a somber manner, over lunch. No need to dash all their hopes on an empty stomach. Her brows had been furrowed when the words left her lips. “The last time my contact at the prison saw Jiyong, they were leading him to the execution room.” 

 

She even had the presence of mind to toss an “I’m sorry” their way.

 

When she had asked about Youngbae, Seunghyun's head had been filled with a heavy panic - a cacophony of thoughts and screams so loud that he barely heard her question. Daesung had lied for him. Painted a picture of a happy and safe part of Dogville that Chaerin had seen right through.

 

"Sure," she had scoffed. "Just tell him he knows what he needs to do. Be strong. Like Papa."

 

Daesung had nodded as she reached over and stuffed a paper into his jacket pocket. "And he needs to give this to Dara. He'll know who she is."

 

If Seunghyun's mind hadn't been reeling from the loss of Jiyong, he might have found the whole thing suspicious, but as it were, his mind was filled with nothing and everything.

 

“I think it will be okay,” Daesung says in the present moment, breaking the silence.

 

Seunghyun shrugs. They keep walking and the word transience blooms in his mind, out of the blue, which is fitting, in a way.

 

“He’s still got three of us.”

 

Seunghyun wants to cry. He remembers Jiyong’s face when they were teenagers. Round and always frowning, except when he waxed poetic about his little prince. He can’t remember what Jiyong looked like when he smiled.

 

He can, however, recall perfectly the emptiness in Youngbae’s eyes when he was hopped up and out of his mind on pain medications.

 

And then he remembers the first time he saw Seungri, standing on the other side of the street, selling his body but never his heart. He wonders what kind of life he would have now, if he had simply walked away.

 

“Seunghyun?” Daesung’s voice is trembling with concern. “Are you okay?”

 

And Seunghyun looks into Daesung’s kind eyes and tells him the truth. “No.”

 

When Seunghyun collapses to his knees, body wracked with sobs, Daesung falls with him. He holds the older man as he finally lets himself break apart.

 

"It's okay," Daesung repeats, and even though it really isn't Seunghyun adores him for trying.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The next day, Seunghyun and Daesung are greeted by loud moans and gasps as they walk through the front door of Seungri’s apartment. The older man smiles and Daesung chuckles. It’s nice to know some things will never change.

 

Seunghyun can imagine Seungri’s dark head of hair between Youngbae’s toned legs, doing what he does best. Taking people’s minds away from the harsh reality of life in Dogville. If anyone’s an angel in Dogville, it’s the former prostitute.

 

Seunghyun wants to tell him this. He wants to tell him everything that Seungri wants to hear, even though the words terrify him, because Jiyong is dead but he taught Seunghyun how to live.

 

Say it, mean it, prove it every single chance you get.

 

Love so hard that you don’t even blink at the thought of death.

 

Say it. Seunghyun has to say it to Seungri. 

 

“You’re back.”

 

Seunghyun turns around to find Seungri standing in the doorway, arms full of groceries.

 

Only it can’t be Seungri, because the young man in the doorway has shockingly white hair and if he is who his face deems he should be then he should be in the bedroom, fucking Youngbae.

 

Daesung whistles appreciatively. “Sexy hair, babe,” he teases as he takes the bags out of Seungri’s hands. The younger boy blushes beautifully, ducking his head and running his hands through his blonder than blond hair.

 

“You like it? Youngbae did it.”

 

And Seunghyun likes it. He fucking loves it. Seungri looks like some otherworldly creature - a ghost, a nymph. A dream. Seunghyun is moments away from throwing Seungri onto the ground and taking him right then and there - modes of conduct be damned - but then he realizes that he can still hear Youngbae making that breathless and rough moan that signals he’s coming.

 

Seconds pass as Seunghyun frowns, struggling to put the pieces together and Seungri stares at him, eyes twinkling with amusement and affection alike. Daesung busies himself with putting away the groceries and Seunghyun finally manages to put away the confusion in his mind and do something he should have done a long time ago.

 

“Baby boy,” Seunghyun rumbles, snaking an arm around Seungri’s narrow waist and pulling their bodies flush together. “I need to tell you something.”

 

“I’ve got news for you, too, handsome,” Seungri grins and flutters his eyelashes and Seunghyun's heart hammers so loudly in his chest that he can hear it because, _damn_ , he is so far gone on this boy.

 

When the words come, they are as close to poetry as the Dogville gangster can get. “I love you. I have loved you and I will love you until someone puts a bullet through my skull or a knife in my back.”

 

Seungri smiles, open and honest. Touched. “I know,” he says. 

 

Seunghyun leans down to kiss the smile from his lips. Keeps it for himself. Lord knows he needs it.

 

“What’s your news?” Seunghyun asks when their lips part.

 

Seungri smirks like a villain (and it's times like these where he's as Dogville as any fucker on the street) as the door to the bedroom suddenly opens. Youngbae comes out first, body flushed and shimmering with sweat, blanket wrapped around his lower half.

 

“You’re back,” he beams and Seunghyun knows who will be behind Youngbae.

 

When Jiyong slowly walks out of the bedroom, he is completely nude and he doesn’t waste any time in wrapping his arms around Youngbae’s waist and hooking his chin on the shorter man’s shoulder.

 

“Took you long enough,” Jiyong’s voice is as scathing as ever as he mouths at Youngbae’s neck, making the boy shiver and smile.

 

“Jiyong, what…” Seungyun finds himself at a loss for words and Jiyong simply shrugs it off.

 

“They’re gonna have to try a lot harder to keep me away,” he says evenly but the way his hands twitch against Youngbae’s stomach is a giveaway.

 

Jiyong has been through hell. But he’s alive and he’s home.

 

Transience, Seunghyun thinks, is a word that people use when they have never met Kwon Jiyong.

 

 

* * *

 

 

That night, Seunghyun fucks Seungri on the rooftop, under a dark sky and the twinkling lights of the City's walls.

 

Seungri's hair sparkles like starlight and it reminds Seunghyun of a river his mother once took him to. It had shimmered with bioluminescence and the moon’s reflection and it had made Seunghyun believe in magic. The boy writhing on his lap, eyes shut tight and moaning his name like a sinful prayer, makes Seunghyun believe in magic, too.

 

Seunghyun decides not to tell Seungri that he met his father in the City.

 

The senator had come into Youngbae’s hospital room, no doubt informed about his son’s presence in the City by the police.

 

“You should have never come back,” Seungri’s father had hissed in anger.

 

No _I love you_. No _I missed you_. No _I’m sorry_.

 

Seunghyun had been blinded by a deep rage, suddenly understanding every hurt that had lead that broken boy into his arms. How could this man claim to be a father when he couldn’t even recognize that Seunghyun was not his son?

 

“Look at what happens to fucking faggots, Seunghyun,” Seungri’s father had gestured towards Youngbae. “Is this what you want?”

 

Seunghyun had not been able to bite his tongue any longer. He had stood up, straightened his shoulders to draw himself up to his full height, taking deliberately slow steps towards the senator until the smaller man’s back hit the wall.

 

He crowded the senator, making his voice drop to its lowest timbre. “What I want is for you to leave this hospital room. What I want is for you to know that I don’t need you and that I have four men who love me so much they would die for me. They would _kill_ for me. I want you to know that your hateful words mean nothing to me because I will _never_ hear them. What I want is for you to go fuck yourself.”

 

“How dare you?” the senator had gasped and it had taken all of Seunghyun’s willpower to let the man walk out of the hospital room alive.

 

So, Seunghyun decides not to tell Seungri because he knows now the tragedy of his life and what drove him away from the safe confines of the City.

 

When Seungri comes, he drapes himself over Seunghyun broad chest and sighs. The older man is still hard and still unsatisfied but none of that matters.

 

“You like the hair that much, huh?” Seungri teases and Seunghyun chuckles in response. For the first time in what feels like forever, Seunghyun’s fingers don’t itch for a cigarette.

 

“It’s not the hair, baby boy,” Seunghyun drawls. “It’s just you.”

 

Seungri leans up and tilts his head down, connecting their lips in the chastest of kisses. He makes sure to leave a peck on Seunghyun’s scar before he lifts his hips to pull his member out of him. And then he is flashing a siren smile and kissing his way down Seunghyun’s torso and the older man finds himself hoping against hope that if there’s anything in his life that will stand the test of time, that it’s this.

 

This boy. This love.

 

This light. 

  



End file.
